Even China Wants Trump To Shut The F*ck Up About North Korea

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In an early morning phone call to Mr. Trump, Chinese president Xi Jinping urged our idiotic commander-in-chief to shut his damn mouth already and stop inflaming an already tense situation with North Korea. Said President Xi:

Concerned parties must exercise restraint and avoid remarks and actions that escalate tensions on the Korean peninsula.

The phone call came after Mr. Trump, seemingly speaking without the knowledge or recognition of the State Department, made several inflammatory threats on Twitter and to the press regarding the U.S. stance on N. Korea. At a press conference that was meant to be about the opiod epidemic, Trump stated:

North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States. They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.

And when that statement was met with similar threats by N. Korea, Trump responded on Twitter:

Meanwhile in Guam, which N. Korea threatened to bomb in response to Trump’s “fire and fury” statement, the government is passing out “what to do in a nuclear attack” fliers and warning citizens to prepare for the worst. The fliers include tips like “don’t look at the flash because it could blind you” and suggest if they are attacked citizens should take shelter in a concrete structure, preferably underground.

Here’s the thing, though: if you are close enough to a nuclear bomb to see the flash, your chances of being dead are pretty high. So the blindness may not be your number one concern. Also, unless your “concrete structure” is airtight and completely underground, taking shelter in it is basically the equivalent of crawling off to die quietly somewhere rather than being all uncivilized and doing it in public. But whatever keeps the populace from panicking, right?

In a phone call after the N. Korean threat, Mr. Trump assured Guam Governor Eddie Calvo that the citizens of Guam have nothing to worry about, stating:

We are with you a 1,000 percent. You are safe.

A 1,000 percent? Seriously?

This had to be super reassuring considering that it sounds like a statement a kindergartner would make, not to mention all of the mindless promises that Mr. Trump has made in the past with absolutely no idea of how to follow through. Nothing to worry about, residents of Guam! Trump has promised you are safe, so obviously you have nothing to fear.

He is nothing if not a man of his word! Oh, wait.


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